Mao’s plans were only five years long

So how terrifying will Glenn Beck’s hundred-year plan be?

Now, I’m not comparing Glenn Beck to Mao. I’m not. I’m not. I’m just asking questions. Like: Isn’t it simple math, that if you take 70 million–the number of people killed under Mao’s regime–and multiply it by 20–the scale by which Beck proposes to expand Mao’s plan by–don’t you get 14,000,000,000? Now, for all I know, it might be crazy to suggest Glenn Beck wants to become history’s greatest mass-murder by at least three degrees of magnitude. You’re probably thinking, “Bento, There aren’t even fourteen billion people alive!” (I of course imagine your inner monologue is recited in the voice of Fozzie Bear.) Granted, but, given population trends, couldn’t there plausibly be a world population of 14 billion in, say, a hundred years? The next hundred years…say, wouldn’t that encompass the same century of Glenn Beck’s hundred-year plan? 

Now, now, I don’t mean to suggest Glenn Beck is hatching a meglomaniacal plan to exterminate the human race. But I have to ask: Has he given us other clues before now? What if they’ve been hiding in plain sight? Let’s look at his (supposed) name:

German

Luftwaffe

Enables

Nonillion

aNnihilations

Because

Evil

Comforts

BecK

Now, I don’t want to jump to conclusions. But I think it has to be asked: Is Glenn Beck planning to make a deal with the Mormon demon Laman to resurrect Nazi airmen to help him exterminate the bloated world population of 2109? Now, I know you might be thinking, “B-but Bento, isn’t that a recklessly irresponsible thing to suggest in a public forum! Your theory is rife with fantastical leaps of logic and mathematical errors! Any broadcaster who aired it would deserve the strongest possible public rebuke!”

Maybe so! Or maybe, just maybe, it’s the tough question that no one else is asking! Or maybe, I’m a canary in the oal mine! Maybe I deserve a Daytime Emmy! Maybe, just maybe-just maybe-

I’m sorry. I’m…crying now…have to stop blogging before I get liquid on my keyboard…I just….love this country so much…and I fear for it! Afraid to see millions of its citizens–good, hardworking citizens–in the thrall of a clearly unstable populist know-nothing with no sense of history or proportionality. That there’s someone disseminating misinformation to fan the flames of Americans’ genuine fears, and reaping financial gain from those fears…it just breaks me up! It’s not the America I was taught to believe in. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

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One Response

  1. You just made me laugh the hardest I’ve laughed in a good week.

    Kudos, Bento, kudos.

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