Via Zach Weiner.
“It is the Singular Essence’s will that our holy prophet Raymond was male, as were the initial Six Believers whom he entrusted with the Inward Knowledge,” read a statement issued Monday by the group’s governing body, the Acolyte Council. “Therefore we cannot condone any trans-dimensional communications, tomorrow-visions, or human or animal castrations performed by a woman.”
The harsh decree was reportedly directed toward Seventh Light members who see the ordination of women as the only way to manage the cult’s current shortage of telepathic-vision clerics, a problem that has grown in recent years as more clerics are defrocked for engaging in sex with underage disciples who have not yet undergone the ceremonial Rite of Public Deflowering.
“Simply put, the telepathic-vision clergy is spread too thin,” said Mary Rho, 39, whose views on the issue have resulted in her expulsion from the group’s compound. “Their time is consumed by minor administrative issues, such as overseeing the daily distribution of catheters or tallying the week’s offerings in the blood troughs, leaving them with almost no time to monitor AM radio for signs of the prophesied wormhole.”
“At this point,” Rho added, “I don’t see how the Council can afford to turn away any clerical aspirant—man or woman—who’s willing to undergo the mandatory blinding.”
The process of evolution, through which single-celled organisms slowly developed over billions of years into exponentially more sophisticated forms of life, has inexplicably culminated in local Albuquerque resident Mitch Szabo, leading evolutionary biologists reported Monday.According to baffled sources within the scientific community, the exact same mechanisms responsible for some of nature’s most spectacularly ingenious adaptations have apparently also produced a 35-year-old office assistant who has only worn pants that actually fit him a total of five times in his adult life.
“The identical processes that have given us the remarkable camouflage of the stick insect and the magnificent plumage of the bird-of-paradise have, it would seem, also given us a man who cannot scramble an egg,” University of Pennsylvania biologist Ann Goldwyn-Ross said. “Despite evolution’s emphasis on the inheritance and replication of advantageous traits, a man walks among us today who sweats profusely in any temperature and went to see Anger Management in theaters twice.”
Indeed, scientists said Mitch is perplexing on multiple fronts. For instance, in studying his weird, asymmetrical gait, researchers have been unable to discern any particular locomotive advantage he has over the more effective and less stigmatizing forms of self-propulsion exhibited by other bipeds. Researchers have also failed to determine how the development of the nuanced communication system of language, itself a product of humanity’s unique capacity for abstract thought, ultimately led to Mitch’s strong preference for the term “exsqueeze me” over “excuse me.”